


every silver lining has a cloud

by tangentiallly



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Attempted manipulation, Gen, dynamics study of esme and olaf's relationship, olaf doesn't actually get any lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25947010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tangentiallly/pseuds/tangentiallly
Summary: Or, that one time Esme's "secure loyalty for herself and Olaf" plan didn't work.
Relationships: Esmé Squalor & Count Olaf, Esmé Squalor & Ernest Denouement
Kudos: 6





	every silver lining has a cloud

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own ASOUE

There were some clues that Esme was aware of, and she’s piecing them all together into a brilliant solution. She was a strategist, always had been. And these were the clues - she knew Ernest liked men, from the various pieces of gossips flowing through the VFD rumor mill over the years; she knew Kit Snicket and Ernest Denouement loathed each other, it was obvious to anyone with even the barest amount of observation skills; she knew that despite Olaf’s various seemingly unattractive qualities, many volunteers and firestarters had found themselves reluctantly charmed, and then attracted, even to the point of becoming jealous of anyone Olaf showed interest to. 

Esme knew this, because she had personally experienced this. Went through the whole process. Thankfully, her Olaf infatuation phase had long since passed, now just a mildly amusing, mildly embarrassing story of the past. That had been when she’d just started out as an actress, and he had been her acting coach who’d seemed so knowledgeable about the field. She’d been so jealous of Kit Snicket then, and so willing to help out Olaf (she still remembered that Opera night where she’d chased Snicket) even without him asking, which sounded ridiculous when thinking back, but Esme supposed that’s just youth.

When those feelings passed, they’d developed into some kind of partners of crime who had fun plotting evil schemes together and used each other occasionally. She might even go as far as to call him a friend. The story of once being attracted and possessive of him was embarrassing, but Esme was practical enough to learn from it once she realized she’s not the only one whom Olaf had once had an effect on. It was something they could utilize effectively, to get people to help them with their various schemes. And since Olaf seemed to be able to elicit possessiveness in others (like how Esme had once been so jealous of Kit), if Esme played the “jealous girlfriend” stereotype, it might even provoked some competitiveness from others, trying to gain Olaf’s attention by agreeing to help out his schemes (which he and Esme would come up with).

So far, this plan had worked quite a few times. People were _so_ easy to predict.

This time, she had another target. One who she knew liked men, one who she knew had a mutual dislike with Olaf’s ex girlfriend. One she wasn’t sure if he’s completely on their side, since he worked at a hotel with his volunteer brother.

So she carried out her plan. Olaf had already done his part of being his usual obnoxious self (in truth, Esme had no idea why this had worked in attracting so many people, but it had, so they’re sticking with that) while hanging out at the hotel, and now it was her part.

“Just so you know,” she said warningly, menacingly. “He’s mine.”

Ernest Denouement gave her a blank look. “Who?” If her sources in the hotel concierges hadn’t assured her that Frank Denouement was elsewhere right now, Esme might’ve briefly wondered whether she was confronting the wrong twin. But still, people could keep up good masks, particularly when they wanted to hide their interest in someone who was already taken. Not that Olaf actually was taken, but that’s what others were supposed to think.

“ _Olaf_ ,” she hissed. “I’ve seen the glances you’ve been giving him.”

He looked mildly amused. “Oh, those are probably just me feeling the satisfaction that I’ve always had better taste than Kit Snicket.” He flashed a bright, sharp smile at her. “And apparently better taste than you too.”

This was decidedly not going how Esme wanted it to go. What was he playing at? He seemed - not _genuine_ in the general sense, but _genuinely uninterested_ in Olaf. She tried again, “Don’t think you could lie to me -”

“Oh, Esme,” he laughed. “I’ll lie to you if I want, that’s part of my job. But I _am_ being truthful about this. I have no interest in him whatsoever. He’s all yours - enjoy.”

She probably wasn’t masking her frustration well enough, because then he raised an eyebrow at her, suddenly looking suspicious. “What? Isn’t that what you want?”

“Well,” she tried to cover for her mistake, “of course! He’s mine. Mine only.”

He studied her for a moment, and remarked, “No, it’s not what you wanted. You want me to have a crush on Olaf and be bitter about him loving you more and try to gain his affection by doing what he says, so you two can have someone to do all the work for you.” He snorted. “This is what you’re doing to Fernald, right? It’s not going to work on me.”

She was confused for a moment. _Who the hell is this Fernald he was talking about?_ But it didn’t matter now, what mattered was apparently he’d seen through her ploy. The best defense was always an attack, so she went for it.

“Well, I wouldn’t need to have tried if your loyalties weren’t so _unclear_ ,” she snapped. “Of course we have to buy some insurance for ourselves. Nobody knew who you really are loyal to. Are you truly a firestarter, or are you just a spy? You do work with your brother, after all.”

“I’m as loyal to the cause as you are, if not more,” he retorted sharply. “And my loyalty requires me to play a deliberately ambiguous role to serve our cause more effectively. If you’re too ignorant to see that, that’s not my problem. I don’t report to _you_. Our bosses are both satisfactory with the reports I provide, and if you’re too low ranked for them to share it with you, you have only yourself to blame.”

She stared at him in shock, utterly unprepared for this turn of events, anger rising at his insinuation that she’s too stupid or too low ranking and unimportant. “How _dare_ you!”

He ignored her and rang a bell on his desk, and moments later, there was a knock on the door, and Ernest said, “Come in.”

A concierge appeared as the door opened.

“Hello, concierge,” he said pleasantly. “Mrs Squalor is leaving, will you please escort her out?”

**Author's Note:**

> [come say hi on tumblr](https://beatricebidelaire.tumblr.com/)


End file.
